THIS WORRY IS MINE.

I MESSED UP i did something, i have never done and shouldn't have done. i have been beating myself up about it for the past 3 days but nothing is changing because i cant change time nor reverse it.

i made mistakes, but i cant turn back time. i can only hope to forgive myself. i feel filthy,unworthy of anything good.
i keep wondering what i could have done differently, i don't know, i shouldn't have gone out, i shouldn't have had that drink, i shouldn't have gone to bed, i shouldn't have.. lots of things i shouldn't have done, now i have done them and am stuck in this mind of mine which refuses to give up thinking and beating heart which refuses to stop beating so i could peacefully forget about it for eternity.
why cant i get hit by a truck and get amnesia? why cant i be one of those people who don't care? why cant i forgive myself?
why? why? why?

i feel anger, hatred and pity for myself all at one. am a mess of emotions and there's no hope of sorting through them and getting rid of some, i wish it was as easy as that.

i need saving from myself. am near depression, therapy is what i need, when does this day when i would get over this come? cant u come soon enough??

thank God am going to Nigeria, i need to clear my head, get away from all these forces pulling me in all directions. i need time to myself to heal, to become stronger, to forgive myself, to gain some new composure cos the old one is shattered,
i am going to be away for 2 weeks, my sister's wedding and am going on a journey of self discovery. i need to think, worry, cos this worry is mine.

why am i so confused?

hi lovely people! am confused!

or rather.. am greedy.
i have a dilemma.. not really, am just creating one for my self.
there are four guys in my life right now.
their names are... cute,cool,handsome and fun!

cute and fun are in my school and i hang out with them sometimes. i had a crush on cute sometime five weeks ago only to find out that he has liked me eversince we became friends.. cool info right? i thot so at first then, i stopped liking him(typical of me, i dont like people for long..disturbing!)

instead, i started crushing fun who is baggage impersonified. he also claims to have had a crush on me forever but was just too chicken to tell me(right!).

these are the ones within my radar, then there is cool and handsome.

i have known cool for a while, handsome i just met this summer and we flirted albeit mildly.
cool is just like his name, u never know what he's thinking, he's the guy who stopped talking to me when he found out i was dating my ex, and started talking to me after we broke up. i have had confirmation that he is into me, but i dont see it. he texts me(cos he;s not in the same place as i am) and all that, but he's irregular and i love being pampered, made to feel like am all in ur mind and all that(i know dont all girls?!-sigh-), but he doesnt give me that, so i stray away from him sometimes and then handsome!

oh handsome! met him this summer, he's cocky, arrogant and i like him! i usually dont like his type but there is something about him that's got me going... i added him on facebook and we start messaging eachother and we chat, everytime i chat with him, i come away with butterflies in my tummy and ... arent i too old for that?? i gues snot..hehe.. and i like the feeling.. but his facebook status says in a relationship but i have learned not to believe such things(all these facebook amebo am doing! GOD!) but i dont want to get into any body's way ooo... hmmm... well.. as it is right now, i don want one of them, i wan all of them, if i can have em,, arent i being just very greedy! -sigh- how do i stop?

the MISTRESS and HER.

People and things never cease to amaze me, the moment i think i am beyond shock, something comes along to shock me ,again, and again, and again.

last night, a friend was having a house party, we are all bored cos school is out for a week, so we hit her place, having fun, grooving.(lol)

there/s this guy who i have know for quite a while now, infact they are a group of friends nd we hang out a lot. there's this girl he's been chasing wanting to sleep with her(for what reason, i dont know). the chase has been on for maybe a semester now, i think he eventually did though and he has a girlfriend(they say they have broken up, but subsequent events made me think otherwise)

we are at this house party, and he's dancing with the girl(the one he was chasing, lets call her the mistress) and his girl comes along(let's call her,HER). HER asks the MISTRESS to move along cos she wanted to dance with her man, and she refuses, i think it degenerated into a shouting match/insulting match and HER walks away, leaving for home. HER's boyfriend(supposed) comes out and tries to talk to HER. she ignores him and keeps on walking, his friend calls her and she heeds and comes back, he starts telling her...God knows what,- i was quite a distance away,- albeit unknowingly to anyone, the MISTRESS had come out and she came up to HER and continued the insults, then lo! and behold! she strikes HER! palm open!. what a shock??! i turn around and HER is scremaing and shouting and crying and everyone is trying to hold HEr back from fighting and she says:
" ..........(insert boy's name) because of u, because of u, she slapped me, OH! God! i hate u! i hate u!"

he's trying to beg Her and the MISTRESS is all the way on the other side getting a piece of everyone's mind, his friends are angry at her, HER's friends' want to go and fight her, its chaos. i manage to calm most people down and HER and her boyfriend go home to sort out their mess, and the mistress is left in the cold.

now everyone is saying how much HER didn't deserve it, How the want to beat up the MISTRESS, how shit is fcuked up! everyone just seems hell bent on blaming the MISTRESS.

my prognosis
i blame the boy. HEr probably had no idea he was sleeping with someonelse,or she did and she turned a blind eye towards it. the mistress knew he was dating someonelse, but she wanted a piece of it and she took it.
we are greedy people, we like to eat our cake and have it(boyfy and mistress) but what makes us humane is if we consider how it would hurt other people, especially those we care about. obviously boyfy didnt think too long about how HEr would feel, and mistress didnt think bout it at all, cos sometimes, it plays out that a mistress could become the housewife. who knows? it might become so for her!
i always preach faithfulness, but people think am over righteous. this is the result of not being faithful. some people are proper players but then others arent but every young man wants to be one, it usually ends up in chaotic situations.
the girls that stay with them, i dont want to be too hard, but what makes em stay? i wont take love as an excuse, because i have never heard of anyone dying of a broken heart. the heart is elastic, it mends, no matter how far it is stretched, if a guy doesnt treat you the way u think u deserve to be treated, dump him. what doesnt kill you, can never kill you.(lol).

now, i wonder whats going to happen to the lot of them, its a sad story considering all the players are below 22!

1month don waka...sorry!

Wow! Was that a month or close to being one? Am soo sorry… my internet was on the blink... I noticed something... less people come to my blog and even less leave comments… does this mean am not interesting anymore?? Well I know... I have become too politically correct, from this moment on, am going back to what I know. Yeah... talking about what really happens in m life not blocking it out and writing about general affairs..!

Right, in the last 3 weeks or more, lots of things have been happening in my life… issues mehn!

I finally confronted my ex-lover(ha-ha) about his malicious( or my presupposed ) treatment of me, he denied saying he didn’t know he was acting different and that he was sorry if he was.. Well now he treats me better lets say... moving on… something amazing happened... ok I have never blogged about this guy before, he was in my life for about 3 years then disappeared without no trace, now he’s back. We never dated but it was obvious he liked me, we flirt on and off, then he disappears off my radar, my texts go unanswered, I call his phone, it never goes thru, he no longer comes on msn, he goes off face book and my emails go unanswered, total block!. I say oh well, I move after all I wasn’t into him that much plus not that I had a fight with him, he just disappeared, then he becomes friends with my recent ex(that’s before I begin to date him)and when he found out we were dating, he says he never thought we fit and well he hopes it all goes well for us, I find it weird that he never asks for me, then we break up and now this guy is back, calling me, texting me, emailing me, chatting like nothing ever happened and now he seriously wants to see me, do u think what am thinking? Lol.

My sister is getting married in December, am so excited I can’t wait for December; it’s going to be a Christmas wedding... oohhh sweet! But! Yes but, have u ever had a situation where people just wouldn’t let good things happen to you/ they always have to look for a way to ruin it? Well that’s what’s been happening to her for more than a month now... and these people are none other than family! Yes family! Not immediate but extended... its weird how you think family which is supposed to have ur back is the one that turns around to stab you in the back. Going into my family talk here is going to take one long arse post so am just going to summarize it and say, my father’s family doesn’t like my mum and hence they do whatever they want to ruin anything good coming her way. So its not about my sister but my mum, they go and tell her future mother in law things bout my mum and she not knowing better tries to get the marriage stopped, crazy stuff I tell. I became so embroiled I couldn’t concentrate on school, but now to the glory of God, everything has been resolved and the guy’s family now see these people for who they truly are, cos no matter how a person isn’t good, u don’t talk about em to outsiders cos they are ur family so if you do, what does it say about u?

am in my final year, I have decided that I have been a good girl too long! I mean 21 and never been kissed? Mighty weird! I think… especially in the world of today... well I have decided to take a foray into the wild side... nothing too much, just a fling and then I graduate... easy right? No strings attached, no emotions, just hang out, make out and generally have a good time… I have my eye on someone... and it’s not the guy that came back recently into my life, he’s too far away (London). Am going to be dedicating my next posts to my escapades and my sister’s upcoming nuptials... wish both of us luck... but her more...she needs it!

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

What more can i say?
At this point where all we can do is celebrate, shed tears of joy(some), dance a jig, holler to anyone who wants to hear(or doesnt) that history has been made.

As we usher in the 44th president of the united states of america,(the world), i like to say that the first hurdle has only been crossed, we have to see if he survives the months preceeding the handover, if he actually does a good job in reviving the economy and if the wars are ended with no victor and no vanquished!

But before all these take place, we still rejoice, throw parties, and enjoy this camaraderie that has enveloped the whole world.
I hope this support continues and that obama does indeed fulfill all the promises he made to the american people.
history has been made and am proud to be part of it!.

I am African, I amNigerian, I am zara, I believe in Obama and his policies, I celebrate this day with his family, I pray the soul of grandmother rests in peace.

Long live Nigeria, Long live Africa, Long live Barack Obama, Long live the state of America.
God bless us all!
I couldnt be prouder.

This type of government!

I am an ardent reader of the online news website pointblanknews.com.. dont know how many of us actually read it but it has unbiased news(i think) and it always has details you dont find in the print newspapers.

i had recently heard of the closure of channels news network and i was wondering what manner or 'democratic' government would close down a tv station. i went on the net(my only source of information) to find out the reason why... well apparently, channels broadcasted on september the 16th that president umaru musa yar'adua intended to resign.. that being untrue made sss to swoop on their station forcefully close it down and drag their staff away to detention.. all these after channels had apologised for its mistake and retracted the story.
(who can blame them, with his health, one would think that that would have been the wiser choice!)

hot on the heels of that is the arrest of johnathan elendu, the publisher of another online newspaper, elendureports.com. he was arrested as he went into nnamdi azikiwe airport in abuja.
and they(sss) are currently seeking the publishers of pointblanknews.com and saharareporters.com.

hmmm, if this had been happening in 1994-1995 i would have had a perfect explanation and i wouldnt even dare blog about it for fear of being tagged an opposition, but in this democratic era, who knew that we would still fancy the ways of old? take a stroll through the stone age? try to force people to our way of thinking? its soo amazing i dont even want to believe it..

when baba was in power, i sometimes cringed at the manner of insults that were hauled at him on daily basis, his daily comparisons, all the jokes that centered on first his looks and then his style of government, the slurs about his personal life, he took it in his stride, did his time and left. i mean yar'adua only has one nickname ....yet! what is he being all hot and bothered for? abi the directives are not from him? can anyone truly convince me of that?

other news, efcc has lost the case files against, obasanjo, ibori, odili, igbenedion,fayose etc etc... so now, they officially have no case to answer as it would be near impossible to prosecute them without evidence.
i have no comments on this one whatsoever, and i thought we were actually making headway in our fight against corruption...tsk tsk!

AT least when ribadu was there, we got a large number of prosecutions and wins and it actually gave us hope no matter how much some thought he was a government machinery to haunt those that stopped being loyal to baba.

Bring back ribadu, conduct fresh elections, change the constitution, bring in the young and out with the old, lets inject youth into the government and lets watch nigeria take its pride of place amongst the other countries of the world, most importantly, let people enjoy their rights, Freedom of Speech! anyone?

i need to.....ARGGGGHHH!!

God!! when will i ever learn??.. ok before i start ranting.. i need to apologize for my 2 weeks leave or something... i dont know who even signed the papers authorizing the leave.. i guess i had the signature forged..hehe.. ok... ..last post was about breaking up with my friend cum boyfriend cum friend right??

well i did it. told him nicely i thought the dynamics of the relationship worked better in a friendship state than anything else and i wud like to redefine the whole thing and take us 3 months back. he was cool about the whole thing, still calling me and all that.. we even hung out(with others of course) and then suddenly he's taking the piss!

dude is acting like a 3 year old.. talking to me anyhow.. doing all that thrash talking boys like to do(no offense to guys), being the first one to diss me, and all that bull crap!

am so pissed right now, am not even going to mind my language! dude is straight out of his mind!
i cant even believe that for a quarter of a second i thot he was grown and matured.. like for God sakes ure friggin22!! grow up already!

i have let other guys down and they didnt resort to that.. u might as well take a gun and put it to my head! issh!

never been so angry in a long time.. and i dont even need this right now.. its taking up valuable space in my head.. i should be bothered about other stuff not dumbos!!

I should have known better!

i should have known better that i wasnt ready for this.
i should have known that this just wasnt me
i should have given myself time to know if this was truly what i wanted instead of allowing myself to be swept up in the moment.. now i regret.. i hate regretting.. but now i do... eventhough its a little.. i still do.

i let myself do what i have always been against... i dated a friend.
now i dont want to no more and i dont even know how to go about it..
after a month i started getting cold feet but i thought i could do it, so i ploughed on believing that it would get better with time and the feelings would dissipate and i would go back to liking him.. how was i to know that it was a crush and a crush it shall remain.. now that the crush is gone, what do i do?

if it was someone i was just acquaintances with, i could just tell him what i felt and it would be over, nothing do me.. but a friend? i keep considering his feelings and i dont know how to say anything and not sound selfish, unfeeling, wicked,hardhearted and all the cold words!

wahala part 2!

Am i shallow or what?

OK this is not any lyrically rhyming poem but its an ode quite alright, an appreciation of the work of God and a little of man(grooming).
so many fine people in this life.. was never overwhelmed by fineness or beauty(whichever u choose) until i got to this town(JD,JAND,LONDON ETC). SO many fine brothers and am not even talking about the blacks, the mulattos are by far leading the race, closely followed by other Africans like the Sudanese(their coloring think), the brown people(people of Asia, India, Pakistan, the mixed ones,) even lil kids are so fine i feel like stealing one of each sex! God!!

am so obsessing right now!
life is good! being in the midst of such finery is good for the soul, no? lol

does that make me shallow? like seriously, everyone wants a fine boy on their arms or to call their own but constantly seeking?? does that make a person shallow? my friend says its OK to want a fine boy but if after sometime of being together and u cant see past his outer beauty then, u r indeed shallow! hmm.. at the rate am going i think that's going to be my fate! cos i don't see me capitulating to anything less than what i think is beautiful.. but where i also begin to think am not that shallow is that i have never dated an over the top fine guy.. people actually say that my ex is fine, he's handsome blah blah but i don't see it, i see all that is wrong with him instead.... is it that am too critical or is it that my standards are too high?? hmm...

Also, is it true that th older u get, u tend to lose all them tendencies to be lusting after fine boys and actually look for more meaningful things in guys??.. anyone?? if its true then i think i shud be rest assured that mine is not a problem but something that's going to go away sometime soon...

Seriously, apart from trying to be philosophical about this whole issue, who no like betta thing??

hey, and whats the deal with all the mariage talk nowadays?? i think if one of my mates should mention marriage in the same breath as a conversation, am going to scream!!!!

howdy do!

its sunday!! yippeee.. am so excited the weekend is finally over! never been this happy before.. why this time? well when ure over the top bored, u begin to wish for time to just actually fly and for u to sleep less but wake up to a new day everytime you sleep for just 2 hrs!!

by tuesday i would finally be out of this place i so cant wait.. my own holidays would start.
would be going to the u.k but with all the rains, i don't know if am gonna have so much fun but its better than staying here where all my friends have gone to Nigeria or some other place for the summer holidays! sucks being alone.

just signed in to blogger and what do i see? blog reading list! u put up the blogs u are following.. really! blog reading list and the blog list on our blogs.. aren't they one and the same?? hmm this blogger sef, new new innovation everyday! i was about to start talking anyhow when i saw that my blog had a follower.. iyye!! hmm now am about to go pay back the favour and follow other people's blogs too!! lol

today is sunday,i think i have said that before, ok i have but am saying it for different reasons now.
today is sunday and though am not a Christian, its a day i do my own reflections, constant worshiping, listening to inspirational music and generally meditating and thanking God for another week.

so this sunday, i thank you God for bringing me to the end of my one week vigil.
by this time tomorrow, i would be putting my issh together and getting ready to go.. cant wait to see all my friends and my dad and sister... HAPPY SUNDAY PEOPLE!

IN THE SPIRIT OF RAMADAN

In this month, all vanities are shed and the cloak of salvation is donned

In this month, we repent of our sins and pray for eternal salvation

In this month, we try to steer clear of anything that soils the angelic halo hovering over our heads.(sin)

In this month it is believed that the doors of heaven are open

and that of hell is closed and hence blessings rain down on all and sundry.

This month is the equivalent of the christian lent which ends with easter,

the end of this month is when grains are measured and giving out to the needy in Allah's name and the celebration that follows is called EID EL-FITR.

In this month, we reinforce our faith and belief in Allah and his teachings.

In this month, we be our brother's keepers, feed the hungry, cloth the naked and give the needy.

in this month, we pray, fast and be holy in hopes that we are blessed by Allah and forgiven of all our trespasses.

In the spirit of ramadan, I say RAMADAN KAREEM.

I did find!

There is a kandi song that says, "if u look deep enough, you wud find..." i did indeed find my listeners here in blogsville.



After putting up that last post and comments started coming in, i knew everything was goin to be alright.

I am better now, though i still havent found a way of making my friends listen,:( but a person doesnt have to be your friend to listen and give you good advice or a shoulder to cry on, i found that shoulder right here and am grateful.



To all those who left a comment, a heartfelt thank you, and to all those who read but dont leave comments, i urge u to do so, u dont know, what u have to say might be what i need to gt out of the doldrums. *wink

ok back to reality.... bba3 Starts today and i have no way of seeing it.. suxx!! been going to the website everyfive mins but nothing.. abi do i have the wrong website?? anywhoo.. am thank ful today, this is not thanksgiving and neither is it close to being thanksgiving, but i dont think it has to be before we are thankful abi?

so i AM THANKFUL!!

who listens to the listener?

I am at this very rare point in my life where all i want is for someone to just listen to me while i talk and talk non stop. not necesarily making sense but just getting my thoughts out in the open.

I am a strong individual, independent too but sometimes i dont want to be independent nor strong anymore, i just want to be dependent on someone, have some one cater to my needs, be able to cry, feel pampered and cared for.



why is that no one is willing to do that. i happen to be a recipient for all my close friends' and not so close freinds' woes but no one but my head and heart is a recipient of mine.



not that no one wants to listen to me, but when i want to start talking bout mine, they start talking bout theirs and demand my opinion and i am forced to shelve my problems and be totally interested in theirs and give answers and advices and genrally make them happy again while i wallow in my own misery and it probably would never see the light of day or get some form of absolvement.

woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, feeling all these feelings i cant even begin to describe, dont want to be with my boyfriend no more, suddenly discovered that i cant seem to see him as more than a friend and all that i blogged about before was just intial gra gra, and i dont know what to do, cos the guy seems to be falling even more everyday.

i dont want to go to the u.k anymore, i just want to go to naija and never come back. i just want to go home.
i dont want to listen to anyone anymore cos i have my own problems also and i need someone to listen to me.
talking to my brother on msn but he's too busy to even reply me and am all choked up with tears cos am feeling mighty emotional today. and am not helping matters cos i keep listening to all these sad slow songs and am sllowly tearing up.
maybe i shud just have a good cry and i would probably wake up tomorrow feeling much better.

i am 21 but at this moment, all i can say is I WANT MY DADDY!

the kingdom of heaven.

I woke up in a good mood today. never expected to hear all the sad news i heard.
my friend came over only to start crying telling me she just lost one of their close childhood friends to complications during childbirth.
I was trying to console her only for another to come in and tell me another guy just died in a car accident on holiday in nigeria.

I am quite flabbergasted at this point. what is happening? what are the young doing dying? am not insinuating anything but i thot the natural order of things was that the old died and the young was there to bury them and not the other way around.
am so sad right now, i dont know bothe people involved very well but the fact that they are humans and my age group makes me mourn their deaths because it could happen to anyone.

this has made me so vulnerable, because i begin to think, what makes me so different, why wouldnt the same thing happen to me if it is going to, they didnt do anything so wrong, death just happened on them.

this has been my reality check for the day and i think it is enough for a month. i have had ijoba orun on repeat eversince trying to get closer to God and repent of my sins(whichever it is i have committed;)) and hope that when it comes, we shall be prepared(even though no one realli ever is).

may the souls of all those whom we have lost rest in peace.
amin.
r.i.p bernie mac, never knew u would leave this world so soon and so young.

QUESTIONS!

i dont know why am talking about this, i really dont. like it doesnt realli matter cos bottom line is he has been caught right and is going to face the law.. but i still have questions about the whole thing.

what am i talking about? its the Austrian man who reportedly caged his daughter in a basement for 24 years.
i know there are depraved people running amok in the world right now, but this particular story seems to me a lil bit disjointed. am not saying he didnt do it, am not saying he;'s a lunatic who needs to be put away for the rest of his miserable life, but what am saying is how did he get away with it for 24 years?

the daughter apparently had a mother, didnt her mother know? or was she dead?
ok lets assume the mother was dead, he drugged her and put her in a basement for 24 years, except he kept on drugging her for those number of years, cudnt she have fought him back one day during those years, wasnt there anything in the room she could have used as a weapon, namely a table?

she had 7 kids by him, didnt the kids question why they had to live in an airless room someplace they had never been out of?

ok he took 3 to live up above with his wife, didnt the wife question where the kids were from?
didnt the 3 kids spill that there is a woman down below who has never been up here?


how come the kids conveniently forget about their life prior to them coming to live in the house and not give away the game for a long time??

lots of questions on my subconscious about the whole fiasco, but i guess i might never get answers to most of them.

i should learn to be satisfied that he is at least going to get punished, or isnt he? whats the update on his trial? anyone?

update!

its been a hot minuite.. or hasnt it? lol
i have been busy enjoying my summer, my classes(boring!) and my new found romance! lol
yes new found romance, took all of ur advices and added a lil of mine and bam! am in something i think could be worthwhile...
ok we finally opened to eachother(he actually brought it on) and admitted we had feelings for each other and decided to take a risk and if in the case of a break up, we remain friends(there is a pre dating agreement to that effect! not a pre nup..not getting married... yet! lol)

anywho, not much going on apart from that, and yes! i have an issue with food, i cant seem to be able to stomach anything these days. the thought of food makes me nauseous. i havent had a proper meal in weeks. the closest i have come to eating 'food' is indomie which isnt food in itself!

i survive mostly on fruits, juice and water. evryother thing makes me shudder in revulsion.. is it a psychological state of mind or some symptom of an illness yet to manifest itself(God forbid)

anyways am looking for that food that wudnt cause me to want to throw up, mite try pepper soup real soon, mite just help, only that it can never be as good as u would make it in naija where u have all the ingredients.

wats up with everybody now.. is there like a scourge of writer's block going around? no one seems to be updating their blogg oo.. only maybe charzzy.. big ups to u joo!

**figured i shud update soon**

what could this be?

Presently am faced with this very delicious situation and i dont know how to revsolve it. either ways that it goes, its still gonna be delicious for me.. oh by the way, i have discovered the identity of one very popular blogger, and am keeping it close to my chest, remember, we have a deal..hehe
back to my delicious dilemma, lol, i have been friends with this guy for close on 7 years now. our friendship started in ss1 when one of his friends decided he liked me, so he was trying to to intercede on behalf of his friend when i bounced the friend and thats how we became friends.

we have remained close friends and even when we both went to school in different countries, we still keep in touch, like he calls me from time to time and i do too and we always chat on msn or exchange text messages.

all during the life of this friendship, we have also flirted albeit mildly with eachother and it never like affected nothing but in recent times, this flirting has come to a head, meaning, that feelings have become involved in them,, am not sure if its on both sides but i cud say am 80% positive that there are feelings involved on his side too.

it has abecome a norm for me to not go to sleep till about 6:oo a.m because i have stayed up all night talking on the fone/chatting/text chatting with him

his friends also got curious and they decided to brainstorm as to who he has been talking to recently and they went on my facebook and decided that i was indeed worth the trouble. they also decided a few other things(even though they dont know me oo, ok actually 2 do..hehe),they also decided that i was a difficult girl who would never go all out and would rather reject than seek if there was something i wanted. they also said that i was loving all the attention and they adviced him some, which he refused to tell me, he only told me one which apparently, someone suggested he come see me in my place.

all thruogh this post, i havent anywhere hinted that we are dating now have i? good! cos thats what i want to establish, we arent officially dating but we, well i think we have passed the friendship level because we call eachother at night to give details about our days, we get angry when stuff are said and it hurts us(emotional), the flirting has taken a new turn and he's always telling me he loves me albeit making it sound like it wasnt in a serious way.

yesterday, we were chatting on msn and he started hypothetically asking me a question.. hypothetically speaking he said,: if two people are in a relationship and then they fall in love with eachother, and one is not sure how far the other has come in that relationship, and he says 'i love u'...
i didnt know how to reply to that but i said :"well he's saying that hoping she replies in the same vein, but he says ok then why are u(notice the deviation ,he uses 'u') afraid of rejection and refusing to come all out?"
and i say:"are we still speaking hypothetically here?"'
he says: 'forget the hypothesis, just answer my question"
i say: well because i feel if i dont come out of my shell, i cud always face rejection with my dignity intact"
he says:" u dont have to come out all at once, u cud do it in stages,"
i say: " i have never been able to do anything stage by stage, if i do something i give my all to it,"

well u can see the thread of our conversations and most days we are talking about something like which reminds me of beating around the bush.

thing is am not sure if i want to date him, am not a major fan of distance relationships and if we break up would our friendship still remain, is this a long term thing or is it just a moment thing, like when the spell is broken, we both realise we were just having fun, i really dont know what this could be, i cant even define our relationship anymore, another time i was talking with him, i said something in the lines of, am friends with him just like am friends with you and he goes, ohh u oh so like to stress the friend thing between us.. lol i have to confess am enjoying this, i dont know if thatmakes me bad, cos he mite be having serious feelings and i do too, but i know that if it doesnt work out am not gonna fell oh so hurt because i try to never give my all in anything, i need to overcome that.

i realli realli like him but dare i say i love him?
dare i give him more green light to make him fall for me more?
dare i risk our freindship for something greater and in the long run better?(if it does indeed turn out to be better)

lots of things i have to consider, until then am goin to enjoy my time with him, oops i have to go, his text just came in.. ciao!

oh happy day!

to all the people who commented on my last post, a very warm thanl u.. seeing alll those comments made me stronger, tairebabs, mz dee muahhh!



after my little incident, am back to being my usual bubbly self, am now all happy and cheerful and carefree and i laugh a lot now. i have even forgiven my friend who caused my heartache..hehe...lol..lol..

its nice to be happy isnt it? my younger sister graduated from secondary school recently, am excited for her, now its remaining the last born to actually finish, mehn my momma has tried oo.. and she had six of us, 5 are all high school graduates, 2 are uni grads and am going to be next, insha Allah!.



ok i have a little dilemma, in my house, we grew up calling ourselves our given names, no prefix or suffix, no 'sister' 'aunti' or anything like that.



now my elder sister is getting married soon and my mum has suddenly had this attack of.. (dont know what to call it) and is askling us to start calling her 'sister'. to give her credit, she has tried a couple of times to instill that into us, but it just wasnt working and yours truly, would rather walk up to them and talk rather than call them something like sister! lol and my older ones hated it too.



now she's really serious cos we told her we think saying 'sista' is too local, she says we shud coin something that we feel good using as long as its not their name or something, i have tried in different languages but i cant find any fitting ones, and i know this time, there is getting away from it.lol...so i brought it to blogsville so that all you dear dear people can help me, what do you call your own elder ones either at home or where you come from..e.g your state.



help me pls

cant i make one mistake??

am not in the best of moods rite now. infact i have been crying. cant i make one mistake?? just one mistake?? isnt it allowed, do i have to be this all perfect person all the time??
i know am ranting but rite now am trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself.

back in secondary school, i used to have a crush on this guy. ok there is mycrush, my friend's boyfriend(who am realli freinds with) and this third random guy who i dont realli talk to.
i have talked about this issue before in one of my posts..see here.

well am chatting wiv same friend again just a couple of minuites ago and he brings up the subject and he still talks about it like he belives something did actualli go down. am quiet and then he asks what has he done? nigga what havent u done!!! ..

am sick and tired of having to defend myself, whenever i do people call me defensive, and when i dont they go ahead believing, am sad cos this guy knows i dont like that part of my life, i made a mistake why cant i be allowed to forget it in peace!

i hate all references to it and i havent even been speaking to any of the guys involved because of the fact that i realli hate the issue.

i dont even know what to say, am just tired!
i just came here to get healing by typing whats in my heart... gudnyt!

TAKE A BOW

i wasnt supposd to be doing this now, i was supposed to be posting up excerpts from my journal but l'amour came along with her sweet self and thrusted this task upon me and i cudnt deny her wish now, cud i? seems she really wants to know what kind of music i have in my i tunes..lol
well the rules she gave me are:

1. Put Your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? sweet baby-macy gray.... U SAY SWEET, BABY!!! lol

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? work-kelly rowland..lol.. yeah am a wokahlic.. but not the type she's going on about in the song oo..lol

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL ? spotlight-jenniferhudson..lol.. funny, thats the opposite of what i like in a guy.. dont like no fly guy all up on everyone's face!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? cops up-lyfe jennings....for where??? no be me and this meme sha..

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? i stay in love-mariah carey.. aww.. how cute!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? beautiful nightmare-beyonce...HAHAHA.. recently i have been a night mare to themm.. oh yes.. i need to change..lol

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? next to you-jordin sparks.. aww.. always wanna be next to them.. i miss them rite now..

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? i'll be loving u long time-mariah carey.. na waoo.. where u dey now? make i begin love u long time..lol but true sha.. i keep dreaming of all my likely happily ever afters! **sigh**

WHAT IS 2+2? broken-digga..how heartbreak take concern 2+2 now?? how very random!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? gbono fe le-dbanj.. i dont know what that means sha! lol..

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? dig this- brandy.. dig this now, guy! ure just slacking anyhow..LMAO



WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? my love-mario ft usher... ok is my whole life about love or what?? am too blessed!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? if-beyonce.. if? what do u mean if i grow up?? this meme shud take its time oo.. shoo ..

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?a girl like u-joe ft jadakiss, actualli it shud be a guy like u..a guy like u shud be with a girl like me. pere!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? daddy's little girl-frankie j... this is the cutest thing ever, this meme knows its shit.. it must have bribed someone to find out am actualli daddy's lil girl..

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING ? wind am well-ikechuckwu..LMAO.. wind wetin well?? ahn!! u wan drive me out of husband house before i enter.. but i like that song oo..

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? the girl is mine-michael jackson.. ah! even for grave?? LOL

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? crying out for me-mario.. wetin concern agbero with over load? abeg next question..

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? priceless-joe.. awww yeah its truly priceless..

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? heartbreaker-will.i.am.. abi dis thing dey see future? i hope not oo..

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? take a bow-rihannna.. well am surely taking a bow after finishing this cumbersome task bestowed on me by l'amour.


i hereby tag tairebabs, dammy,TY tha mos magnificent,laide etc etc cudnt find a fifth person, or rather was too chiken to tag the fifth person.. lol

FROM MY JOURNAL.1

People of blogs ville, i salute u!
nothing's been up wiv me this past couple of days, been quite laid back and chilled so i brought out my journal from 2007 and was reading it, very interesting stuff and i had even forgotten half of them, so i have decided to share it with u guys, well only some parts, others am still contemplating putting them up, they are quite deep and verreeeeeee personal, bear with me.
its gonna be serial thing, and when am done, u would know, meanwhile, enjoy!

05 may 2007
"after thinking it through a whole lot, i finally decided that i liked B! feels good and am not as shy as the first time*** but am still shy about wanting to hook up with him after telling him off the other time!
i also have problems with us hooking up like

1. has he gone off me?
2. does he like that bimbo? (yeah i actually wrote that.. tsk tsk)
3. does he have a girlfriend elsewhere?

i need these questions answered before i consider any other thing but i wanna show him some sign say 'i like the koko'( again, i actually wrote that,, cant believe myself!).LOL. but what's he gonna think, like this gal rejected me before , now, she's back. doesn't say a lot of good about me now does it?

finally polo affair(a party that went down in march) is here, an up cant sleep no more, going out to get a polo top. hope i get a fine one and no one would think its not polo even if its not!LOL

had a dream with R(a guy i was tripping for 2006 summer) in it ad i was seriously kissing him! hmm na wa ooo.. all these my dreams nowadays are scary oo!

k called me today.

i have lots of projects to work on, God pls save my soul! finally lxg is on the 11Th of may, that would be great because i so want to wear my dress!i hope i look extremely good that day.oh God am lacking scopers oo! onli a handful which i don't like at all, hmmm!"

OK quick recap,

k- some masters guy who was on my case for a year hinting marriage, but i no do!

R-some dude i had a crush on in the summer of 2006, he crushed me too, but he had a girlfriend who is fiend when it comes to her man, didn't want no damage to my face, abeg make i manage am like that!

b-the guy who liked me at that time.

**he had asked me out the year before, i agreed to date him, only to break up with him a week later, reason? i had issues i had to resolve, REAL reason?? he was to mushy for my liking, and i hadnt been in a relationship prior to him, so u cud pardon my cold feet. (and i was 20 oo!)

second part, coming soon!

Did we get the message?

I was watching an Eddie griffin comedy yesterday, its called freedom of speech(u shud go check it out.. its totally funny). he was a bundle of laughs am sure worth their money for those who paid to see him and for us who download, worth the time spent in downloading,, hehe..

Anyways he said something that got me thinking, he was like, "i believe in God but i think religion is overrated"(he used stronger words than that). why he asks? well he answers himself, cos people go around saying Jesus is the messenger, others say Muhammad is the messenger, but he doesn't care who the messenger was, the point is DID WE GET THE MESSAGE??

that was funny but when i sat down to think about it, i realised that we are so caught in the bug of determining who the so of God is, we don't see the bigger picture that all the prophets came to deliver to us.

anyways, yeah he is a comic, he's funny but i differ on one thing, religion isn't overrated(or his stronger word,) religion helps strengthen your faith in the Supreme BEING! the religious books gives you guidance and convinces you further that their is indeed a God, therefore, religion isn't f**ked up as he said( i finally say his stronger word!).

and that's my two cents.

YAYYYYYYYYY!!! I JUST LEARNT HOW TO LINK!!!

afrobabe,, this one is for you!.. i just learnt how to link courtesy of afrobabe and in thanx am goin to link her in this post.

AFROBABE


AFROBABE


AFROBABE


AFROBABE


AFROBABE


AFROBABE

thank you dear!

what in the name of all that good is this?

hmmm.... things are happening. not all in my life.. but also in my friends' lives and i feel swamped by it all. above all.. i have my exams to study for.

today i had a talk with a friend. was concerned about the way she has been losing weight and all and she's no longer talkative, she has withdrawn into herself and i was quite worried as to what the cause was. i asked her if there was anything wrong with her and she said there was nothing i was now like why then is she losing so much weight and looking gaunt like she's being haunted.
she now started talking that something has been going on with her and she didn't know how to tell us because she doesn't know if we would judge her or not.
she went on to say that a friend of her's' boyfriend has been coming on to her for a couple of months and she recently succumbed to his pressures and they even made out.

i wasn't expecting that, it was a rather huge shock. he has been claiming(claiming cos i don't believe the guy one bit) that he is in love with her and would like to be with him, sleep over in his house and stuff.
he even goes as far as becoming jealous whenever she was on the fone with other guys and he would go around screaming and swearing at her. and he also flung on the floor one day for talking about another guy in front of him and she even injured herself. at this point, my jaw is literally on the floor.
what kind of guy does that?? even if he was totally and irrevocably in love with her (which i doubt), why would he have to get violent to show it. and he's not saying anything about breaking up with his girlfriend to be with her, he only ever wants her to make out with or sleep with him.
i advised her as best as i could to stay away from him and never go out alone to be with him if he comes visiting because that way he gets you alone and does whatever he wants with you.
am even at a loss as to what to do because there is so much you can do to a guy that has become a tyrant to everyone that knows him. he's a very violent person and everyone knows that and is scared of him so he just goes around doing what he wants and daring anyone to confront him.

had a chat with my bff from secondary school, she's going through emotional problems and its not of the best kind.
she's been dating this guy for over 2 years now and they plan on getting married. guy talks to his parents about her and his parents are threatening to disown him if he insists on marrying her. why? because she's nupe and he's yoruba!
have we gotten to that level where we are so pertinent about little issues like tribe?
he is from kwara and she is from kwara but because they are different tribes, its now a huge issue.
sometimes this makes wonder, and we hope to progress in Nigeria! what kind of progress do we expect if we still differentiate between ourselves and we do not let inter marriage!

am still so sad by her situation because she's the best person i have met in my life so far, she's so nice, so sweet, could never hurt anyone, has the best heart , even better than mine i must say!
am hoping that if the parents finally meet her and get to know her, they would accept her but she has lost hope about them ever coming around and she feels that if she marries him without his parents consent and comes into the family, she's not going to have an easy time of it, which i admit is true, am praying for her, may the will of God prevail here.

my friend, lady,(who's dating my ex refer to http://zara-myalterego.blogspot.com/2008/06/who-is-your-friend.html) called me today. she wanted to know how i was doing and all, i haven't had time to talk to her because i haven't seen her one and one in a while plus i don't want to set up a date to talk to her and make it look way bigger than it actually is, so am gonna wait till i meet with her while still giving her time to say it first.

on a lighter note, am getting thru with my exams on Thursday and the one i thought was going to be so difficult turned out to be the easiest so far, i have been in a joyous mood since then, i thank GOD! PEOPLE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO LINK.. AM TIRED OF BEING THE ONLY IGNORANT PERSON IN THE WHOLE OF BLOGSVILLE!

CHANGE WE CAN INDEED BELIEVE IN!

The time is now!
The moment is here.. never thought i would see a day when a black man would clinch the ticket to represent any American party in the race to the white house!
This is the day Martin Luther king wrote the 'i have a dream speech for' and 40 odd years later.. it finally dawns.

Yes! black man i said not just a man... why? well because no matter how much we try to shy away from the race issue.. it is what has defined this contest from the word go!

on BBC this morning the headlines was "making history".. they also recognise the fact that if indeed Barack Obama was a white man, it wouldn't make a difference, what would have made the difference was if Hillary Clinton had won.

So here i am now celebrating that a fellow black, has the legal right to stand for the most coveted post in all of America and beat his chest and proudly say "i did it".. of course along with his campaign people and all the Obama fans out there who helped in sourcing for funds online.. all the groups that were formed in support of this man.

the race now is half way over and in November we would know for sure if Obama is going to be the next person to which the world would regard as its new 'best friend'(President of the United states of America).

in my humble opinion, if Obama becomes the president, America stands to gain more than it would lose(not seeing any losses sha)
the American image would be revamped and become more acceptable to the people of the world.
i feel he is more diplomatic and hence many of these problems they have with other countries would be resolved civilly.
i especially like his policy regarding the middle east crisis, bring your friends close and your enemies even closer.. instead of antagonising and threatening Ahmedinejad, you can cut him some slack or embroil him in so much diplomacy.. he opts out himself.

one of the major problems that he is going to face in his race for the white is the fact that the powers that be in America don't feel he is pro Israel enough. what does that mean? he's probably too sympathetic to the Palestinian plight and probably wants a fast solution while they(powers that be) aren't done getting rich off of the weapons deal they make everyday in these wars.

In any case, Obama is still my candidate, any day, anytime, anywhere!'
God bless Barack Obama and the world!

Who is a friend?

Something happened to me today. I am still trying to decide if it is grave or just something I should get over already.
A year ago I used to date this boy, I take responsibility for the fact that even if I like to blame my friends a lot that their pressure pushed me to date him, I still liked him in my own way. Maybe on a normal good day, it wasn’t enough for me to date him but I still did. We broke up a month after, well in my mind we did but officially it was until three months later because I was home for the summer holidays and he was in school taking summer classes.
I though that was water under the bridge until when a close male friend of mine(who is also his friend) asked me if he(my ex ) was dating my friend( lets call her lady).
I answered in the negative because to the best of my knowledge they weren’t dating and I felt if either of them liked each other I would have known or the would have told me namely lady would have told me because she is my friend.

Well turns out… it is true! They are indeed dating each other!
Am happy for them truly I am but it turns out again that another of my friend who isn’t in the same place as us knows but she didn’t want to let me know because she didn’t know what my reaction would be like. That has me thinking, why would I react another way, I mean that’s why he’s ex, no longer in my life… no more feelings… but I think they were thinking to the contrary.

Well as the story goes, lady didn’t tell me about them, my ex didn’t either (even though we are quite friendly with each other and he tells me about other girls).
Then this got me thinking that maybe what they did, in their eyes, its wrong?

Am not too sure what is wrong or right here because in my honest opinion, I don’t care who he goes out with, but my other friends are telling me its wrong for her to go out with him, like its an unspoken rule for girls, never date your friend’s exs’ or crushes.

I don’t really mind but the fact that they have gone to such lengths to hide it from me is beginning to make alarm bells go off in my head and lately lady hasn’t been hanging out with me. Never a day went by where she didn’t come to my room or call me. Now, I hardly even get her on the phone when I call her, I have called her twice to come visit her and she always tells me she’s away and insist she would come see me instead. Well now that I know she was indeed hiding something.
And my ex, well lately too… he’s been kind of cold towards me… just even barely being civil to each other... I didn’t want to make too a big deal about it but now that I know this, should I?

Everyone tells me to act like I don’t know until they tell me themselves... but is that the right thing to do? Do I even have the right to expect them to tell me anything considering that they owe me no explanations or do they?

Am quite confused and don’t want to act in a manner that would jeopardize my relationship with either of them, am quite clear in my feelings regarding both of them…
My ex: I couldn’t be bothered really. I wish him the best.
For my friend: am kind of disappointed she didn’t tell me because she confides in me about other stuff… so it’s this hidey attitude the have about it that has got me questioning…
WHAT DO I DO?

oh dear

I have been tagged. I thought the tag tsunami was already over and i hadn't drowned now the ebbing waters seem to be seriously fighting me..oh dear!

my problem isn't being tagged but actually thinking up 6 quirks...am not that weird! lol plus i don't know how to link people.. still new to blogging... oh dear!

well will try and figure it along the way.. here goes:

1. link the person(s) who tagged you…

2. Mention the rules on your blog

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been

tagged...

6QUIRKS

1. i love bananas. i cud eat em for breakfast, lunch and dinner. in fact am eating them rite

now..

2. am totally totally scared of rats.. if i find a rat anywhere.. i cant be in that place anymore.. no matter how much i try to compose myself.. a rat always manages to help me lose my composure.. no matter how tiny it is! i have tried to rid my self of this rato-phobia but hmm if wishes were horses..

3.i think faster than i write.. and that causes me points in exams. when i see a question and am thinking of the answer.. i want to get it all down before the thought escapes me cos i feel it might.. and this causes me to make writo-graphical errors(from typo..lol). on the other hand i type faster than i think.. so am always pausing to finish a thought before typing or to actually think something.. problem!

4.i like changing clothes. i can never stay throughout a day with one outfit.. i have to change it at some point in time.. gets on a lot of people's nerves cos then if we have to go somewhere.. i have to look for something else to wear.. same goes for underwear.

5. when i run i hold my boobs.. funny but i actually run faster that way.. and the boobs don't get in my way..lol embarrassed me a couple of times.. but what can i do?.. have to stop em from bouncing off my chest..

6. i am still afraid of ojuju calabar!

well that's it... my six unquirky quirks! well to solve my linking problems... i tag everybody. pls feel free to be tagged by me..!

UPDATE ON PLENTY PLENTY NONSENSE.

Is it me or is it that evrytime u write in capslock.. it seems to take up a lot of space??
Anyways....yay!!!! she finally came thru.. paid me my money.. on friday! at least she gave me more than 80% so am waiting for the remaining it is better than nothing.

My fone is giving me a headache.. got it 6 months ago but i already want to change it..and i dint budget for that!..tseww.. so annoying.. got to do it soon so i can get a good value on it though..

plenty plenty nonsense!

in the words of mya, am about to give a chick a hand!

what kind of nonsense is this?

calm down??

lemme tell u the story then u would understand why am pissed.

>>rewind to beginning of semester<<
....this girl calls me from nij that she's in a jam and she cant get back to school unless she clears up some debt from the previous semester.. she needs $1350 to do that. i like and respect her a lot(not my close friend but stil we hang out sometimes..) so i gave her $850 that was the most i could do.... she paid.. got out of the jam she was in.. came back to school.. everything was gravy..

>>fastforward to may<<

..hasnt paid me my money!
wtf? u say?? well thats what i asked at first.. scroll up.... dont worry i'll wait!

ok now ure back.. yeah now u agree with me abi? am so pissed at her rite now i cant eat!
what kind of bullshit thing is that! all she does is send me flimsy text messages that she doesnt have money her transfer is having problems.. she cant get money put in her mastercard.. bullshit lies..(i tell u i know.. they r lies!)..

its been what 3 months?? if she doesnt have any money, how can she afford to survive,, eat,, go out,, shop(cos she does have caught her a number of times and she always tries to dodge!).. and even credit her fone to text me all those messages huh?

rite now am flat broke.. dont have a dime and cant even call my pops for money cos he wud raise the roof... am supposed to wait till june for money from him but i dont know how am goin to survive.. i used to act nicely to her but now am bringing out my fangs.. i need my money...biatch!(pardon my french ..but..)....

she's promising friday.. if friday comes and she doesnt give it to me.. i dont know what am goin to do but it wont be good.. i mite just cry.. cos i know i cant fight.. nor quarrel.. nor raise hell... nor scare anyone shitless.

i have always thot i was a nice person but there is a thin line between nice and stupid.. am about to cross it..cos what else explains my behaviour that i cant demand whats mine back henh??

I NEED HELP!

all in a day's job.

atishoo!.. i have a cold..! been avoiding it for weeks now onli for it to finally catch up wiv me.. damn.. its making me dull and am in the exam period where i need to be on my toes... lord help me!

had a debate today.. was one of the debators.. i think i held my forte well considering the fact that i have a kinda squeaky voice and it shakes wen am anxious.. i did quite ok.. if i say so myself..*wink* lol

been out all day.. didnt have anything to eat and now i have to do my laundry if i have to go to school tomorrow... am seriousli multitasking here.. and instead of goin about my business am here bloggin about it... silly me.

got a serious virus in my system and its annoying the heck out of me.. hate viruses hate having to format my pc anytime i have one.. cos then the antivirus cant take it out anymore.. tseww stupid thing..

was blog crawling the oda day .. came across the post by http://naijachickito.blogspot.com. been reading her blog for a while and am so caught up in her life.. feels like i know her.. and she has this post up bout breaking up.. and i cant fathom if its about her or she's just writing... she has yet to update.. day i read it.. it realli spoilt my mood cos i thot her and her boo were perfect together(eventhough i no know them oo).. if ure reading this naijachickito abeg enlighten us.. whats up with that post?

goin thru my previous post.. looks like i was kinda forceful and probably came across as a hater of any ethnic group.. am apologising to the millions of nigeria everywhere.. i got carried away with the moment.

my friend just broke up wiv her bf of 3 years and its killing her.. she thought the actualli had a future but the guy just up and said he's tired of the whole thing and they shud just part ways.. she's still trying to get around to the fact that they are no longer together.. it feels realli sad wish i cud be there for in her hour of need but we happen to be in diff countries.. hope she gets over it soon..

to all the people we lost in 2007, may your souls rest in peace..
to all those who died in the myanmar cyclone disaster.. may you all rest in peace..
to all those who die daily from hunger, riots, famine, droughts, ill health, bombings, attacks.. may they all be in a better place than this, AMIN!

just a matter of opinion

quick update:: I LOVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!

i just read the full story of the nigerians booted off the britsih airways flight enroute to lagos.
i cant imagine how more wrong they could be. its possible that mr. omotade is telling us less than what really happened but the fact that BA is keeping quiet about it like they couldnt be bothered ..is really annoying, got so pissed off i signed one petition like that against 'em. if i had my way.. nigerians would stop flying them at least for a month and lets see what happens to them.. i like the point one blogger raised.. 'they make most of their revenues from developing countries and their citizens who cant keep their arses in their countries'(paraphrased). developed countries' citizens onli fly twice in a year.. to their holiday destination and back! they cant make that much money off their people.. duh!

i know we nigerians can be a handful at times.. being in a plane with boisterous people who drink a lil red wine and get even more talkative could be trying.. but thats their job and i'd be damned if i wud do it for them! going by the story, the man never even did anything to them. he was just being concerned for a fellow brother.. maybe he shud have minded his very own business he probably wud have made his brother's wedding! (reason why he was going to naija and he never made it plus the brothers suit, and other accesories were with him.. wedding must have sucked!!)
and to cap it all.,.. being arrested and detained like a common criminal.. dayumm! am so pissed!

was running it by a friend of mine and my God arent we the most tribalistic people on earth! in an issue like this she had to find the tribal side... asking where was it goin to? i said lagos and she goes "now i know why" i ask why? and she goes well if it had been goin to abuja, u wud have more northerners on it and since they have the monopoly of 'calmness and good breeding'(my words not hers) it wudnt result into that kind of situation.. in essence lagos= agbero.
mehn was i stunned! like WTF?? in this day and age?
how can we still be so ethnicist? and i thot this was the modern age.. thot we had left the stoneage a few hundred years behind?? i guess its seriousli galloping to catch up and has caught a few of us up already.. what kind of bullshit talk is that???... i didnt even want to get into hausa/the rest of nigeria talk with her.. so i just closed the msn window...

am not trying to put them down but why do hausa people like to feel superior to other languages in nigera?( no offense intended its just my opinion) but really why?? i mean imagine being called iyarai(word for tribe in hausa.. i find it derogatory)

i understand and speak hausa, have lived in the north for 14 years now but i cant get past it wen they do their hoity toity shit! me and this friend get into arguments all the time about this discrimination issue.. like calling people names and feeling a person's behaviour is explained cos they are of a certain tribe...does any of this make sense?

i guess am just ranting but it realli gets to me and nigerians being run off an airline has to mean its cos its goin to lagos thats why.. why doesnt BA start running 'northern/hausa onli' flight.. lets see how much money they would make..p.s am from kogi state.

kljasdvbnamd-hehe

I think a 20 yr-old has a crush on me!

did i just write that? lol silly me anyways.. havent had much of anything happening in my life these days.. just the usuall.. school hang out.. school; hang out.. how boring can anything get>?? lol
i realli shud start writing my thots down.. thot of this realli bloggable topic the other day and now its out of my mind and i cant even remember it... serious issues.... i shud also start keeping a journal of my food intake cos am beginning to add weight.. i dont need any love handles(abi what r they called??)

was in a quiz the other day and i was writing and using chat lingo.. my God! i need to go back to english grammar,, the bottled leopard days!

someone said a very stupid thing to me today.. it just pissed me off bad cos am a very proud person as in am proud of my intellectual capabilities and please.. i dont need anyone questioning them.. thats the job of my lecturers! they do that enuff.. i mean whats ur own whether or not i pass or who's on top of the class or rather who's above me in the class? do i smell competiton here?/

my grandfather just had a mild stroke.. am scared oo, does that mean he's growing old? he cudnt make use of his left part of the body and my mum had to go get him cos they live in the villa(not aso rock oo lol)
am hoping he gets well soon and stays well too cos am not about to lose another grandfather oo..abeg.

am having a debate on friday.. i was so enthusiastic about it but now am quite against it. i dont wanna do it no more.. well cos am not a public speaker. i dont know what made me say i would do it in the first place.. oh wait! i know.. cos they asked me.. and i was feeling very special like yay.. they think am clever! now see where it has gotten me to.. i seriously dont wanna do it.. but i cant feign illness or anything cos my team mates wud crucify me.. chei i don suffer.. anyways that day maybe i wud smoke a lil weed and be high so i wudnt even care wen i fumble or anything..

had a rather graphic r18 dream today and i wasnt even thinking r18 before i went to bed.. overraging hormones..lol

listened to the mohits album yet? am still loving ololufe here's another one for those moments
alicia keyes-tell u somthing and like u'll never see me again all from her latest work, as i am.. i tell u its amazing.

my friends are pissing me off!

i have been pissed off half of the time this week.
sometimes i know why others i don't.
i hate being pissed off cos it leads me to snap at others for no fault of theirs and i hate having to act cool and friendly when all i want to do is snap at someone.
exhausting
lately some two friends of mine have been acting weird. they have been getting closer and taking themselves out of the group. i know in a group there are always people who r closer but showing it?
leads others to think thoughts which aren't quite flattering such as: " they are gossipping bout us"
then it wouldn't be their fault cos u don't do stuff like that.
well they been doing that and one of em been acting really weird like not talking to u except the other is there, walking past u on the streets and acting like they cant see u. when u come to her room, she isn't welcoming, and stuff like that.

i have been thinking for a while like is she only doing this to me until i asked others and they all confirmed.. oh well f-k it .. i was gonna ask her outright and be like 'is everything cool between us?" but am not gonna do that .. if she doesn't wanna be friends no more.. its not by force i mean i still have other friends.. and i don't have to have friends sef.. its just that no man is an island...


been having this recurring headaches.. i know its stress but am kinda stress free now cos my exams r over but still they continue. strange.

anyone who hasn't heard the mo hits curriculum vitae album should go listen to it. its off the hook. first recommendation? ololufe.. if u don't like it.. ..SLAP ME!

AM thinking

lately, i feel like i have been termed an outcast. am a victim of my time but refuse to be a product of my age. everyone around me is getting into things that begs admonishing/ advice for them. and i choosing no to be part of these things gives me a kind of name.

i like respect, i love love who doesnt? but guys my age i would say dont know how to make these two go together. they think because they say they love u shud make u open ur legs and allow them do watever. even the dumbest starlet knows that that is bULLS**T IF u say 'hey i love u so we shud do it" we know thats no expression of love but lust.. and thats the cross that i carry because i refuse to beleieve in this. i dont see myself as a sexual person but lots of males, both old and young just get the hots when the see me (i realli dont know what it is.. i call it my 'goodluck' lol ironic)

Eversince i was young, my mum has drummed it into our heads it doesnt pay to be a whore to no man but ur husband, atleast then u have ur respect and i have lived by that principle justly but sometimes i wonder if i would ever meet that man, because most people that come to me have always just wanted me physically, its all about how i look, nothing in depth. because of this i have never had a boyfriend because i cant get out of my head that he would just want me for my exterior and its an insult to me to not be interested in what i interriorly(pardon my use of english) have to offer.

recently, i was having a conversation with some guy frends of mine and they were asking me if i have ever done anything sexual with a guy, kissing petting, heavy petting and the likes.. when i said no.. they fell into a silence so great i wished i had lied. they said i was the mos naive and innocent girl they had ever met, what did i hope to achieve with that.. did i think i would get a guy that way? they went on and on.. it got me thinking yeah i notice when they also talk bad of the girls they sleep with so which is better being a 'good/bad' girl? am 21 gonna be 22 soon and i have had male admirers eversince i was like 14 but no one has ever been anything but into my looks. it made me pause for a minute that would i ever meet that one that would not be physicall attracted or make it the bane of his wanting to be with me.

in our world today.. every image is made out to be sexual or has sexual innuendos. it makes it hard for people like me to survive in a world like this. makes it like am an appendage that needs to be shed. i used to recieve a lot of peer pressure, friends trying to hook me up but now they have all left it... and they r now like 'she's a lost cause'. and some people think i have too lofty an idea of the 'ideal man' for me.
i am sane enough to know am not the perfect woman either but wanting someone to respect me as well love me isnt too lofty or is it?
i need answers.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS

i figured that my address was probably too cumbersome by half to type and i easily got it wrong sometime so i decided to change the address of my blog .
its now zara-myalterego.blogspot.com. i hope this lets more people access my blog. and to those who already do i hope it doesnt hinder you from coming often. cheers and have a great weekend.

what do u do?

What do u do if

• ur dad had an affair in some other country, a one night stand which produces a child, do u accept the child or do u strive to not acknowledge its existence?
• the child is now a grown woman with kids of her own and she searches out her father? do accept her as ur sibling knowing this was adultery committed by your father since the lady is younger than any of u?
• what if ur dad is dad and all u have left of him are memories, wud u still accept the child?

these are things that happen everyday, it actualli happened to someone close to me and its amazing the level of tolerance people have. it got me thinking wat if it happens to us.. how wud i react? i still havent gotten that answer

what do u do if

• a guy u thot liked ur frend turns around and says its u he likes?
• if u and ur friend have always fantasized about that guy asking her out?
• if u fancy the guy rite back but cant tell ur friend that because u feel like u sold out?
• the guy never realli liked ur friend and it was alwyas u..(he swears it)!?

this also happened to a friend of mine.. its amazing how things can get so complicated in a heart beat, one day we think he's in love with one person, the next day, he says its another he's in love with and he never loved the first person. how did we miss the signs.(sixth sense gals have it in abundance.. but i guess in this case it deserted us cos we didnt see this coming).. does the other friend just give it a go with the guy and not be fazed or does she consider her friend's feelings(eventough she says its aitte) and let go?

what do u do if

• as a child u were kinda molested?(i say kinda because it happened so fast i didnt know wat it was until a few years later)
• u can never tell anyone because u feel u have left it too late and if u tell now its like u probably have other stories u havent told and u suddenly become the person with the big secrets
• u now have feelings and thots of sex almost frequently(although still a virgin) and u feel its probably as a result of that incident from way back?

this.. happened to me. i was a child of 10 and i was asked to go get baygon from across the street at around 7. when i was almost at home, this guy that was walking at me kept on straight, i tried to swerve away but he kept on coming on my path. he suddenly bumps into me and in the process touches my private place throuh my clothes. he then runs away and am left shaken.

i run home but i cant get it out of my mind. i feel sullied.. was it my fault? was i violated? was that sexual harrasment?(thats why i called it "kinda") well, 11 years later, i still think about it, sometimes i wonder why i didnt just kick his balls!

TUNDE

I met him a coupla years ago wen i was 16.
He was an nda student then and i guess he was probably 18 or 20.
I met him thru his frend moses in my mother's shop.
Moses was trying to ask me out or rather I knew he liked me but didnt give him the time of day but Tunde on the other hand was just freindly from the onset and didnt even hint at anything between us.
Ienjoyed his company and he was a very funny person. by the time he asked me out I had began to fall for him.

I cudnt be with him because I was still quite young in ss3 then and my mom wudnt even stand for that. I had to tell him in a subtle way.
He didnt get me or he didnt want to. He insisted that if I wanted to be with him we cud work it out.

I was out one day talking wiv him trying to convince him to just let go let flow when I heard my name being called, it was my dad! It was 11 0 clock at night.I was in trouble.
I quickly walked away towards my dad and he asked
' What were u still doin out and with whom?"
" He was looking for change and I told him I didnt have"-that was me. wat change? out of the blues? am a trader? am such a stupid liar! lol. I was totally shaking thinking he would just slap me or something but i should have known better that my dad would never raise a finger to any of us only my mum would( I still love u mum).

He said" Zara dont lie to me, I saw you, go into my room"
I went into his room and he sits me down to advise me about the ills of boys and all that and when it was my time nobody would monitor me. and he told me he wouldnt tell my mom. such relief!
"thank you daddy" Isay and alk away.

the next day i see Tunde but i refuse to talk to him he tries to apologise for keeping me out and getting me into trouble i refused to listen, he walks away and that was the last i ever saw of him, or any of them, including his friends.
I dont know if they ever graduated from nda, if they did they probably are officers now or lieutenant colonels or something i dont know.

but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see them again.