lately, i feel like i have been termed an outcast. am a victim of my time but refuse to be a product of my age. everyone around me is getting into things that begs admonishing/ advice for them. and i choosing no to be part of these things gives me a kind of name.
i like respect, i love love who doesnt? but guys my age i would say dont know how to make these two go together. they think because they say they love u shud make u open ur legs and allow them do watever. even the dumbest starlet knows that that is bULLS**T IF u say 'hey i love u so we shud do it" we know thats no expression of love but lust.. and thats the cross that i carry because i refuse to beleieve in this. i dont see myself as a sexual person but lots of males, both old and young just get the hots when the see me (i realli dont know what it is.. i call it my 'goodluck' lol ironic)
Eversince i was young, my mum has drummed it into our heads it doesnt pay to be a whore to no man but ur husband, atleast then u have ur respect and i have lived by that principle justly but sometimes i wonder if i would ever meet that man, because most people that come to me have always just wanted me physically, its all about how i look, nothing in depth. because of this i have never had a boyfriend because i cant get out of my head that he would just want me for my exterior and its an insult to me to not be interested in what i interriorly(pardon my use of english) have to offer.
recently, i was having a conversation with some guy frends of mine and they were asking me if i have ever done anything sexual with a guy, kissing petting, heavy petting and the likes.. when i said no.. they fell into a silence so great i wished i had lied. they said i was the mos naive and innocent girl they had ever met, what did i hope to achieve with that.. did i think i would get a guy that way? they went on and on.. it got me thinking yeah i notice when they also talk bad of the girls they sleep with so which is better being a 'good/bad' girl? am 21 gonna be 22 soon and i have had male admirers eversince i was like 14 but no one has ever been anything but into my looks. it made me pause for a minute that would i ever meet that one that would not be physicall attracted or make it the bane of his wanting to be with me.
in our world today.. every image is made out to be sexual or has sexual innuendos. it makes it hard for people like me to survive in a world like this. makes it like am an appendage that needs to be shed. i used to recieve a lot of peer pressure, friends trying to hook me up but now they have all left it... and they r now like 'she's a lost cause'. and some people think i have too lofty an idea of the 'ideal man' for me.
i am sane enough to know am not the perfect woman either but wanting someone to respect me as well love me isnt too lofty or is it?
i need answers.