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Sunday, December 21, 2008

THIS WORRY IS MINE.


I MESSED UP i did something, i have never done and shouldn't have done. i have been beating myself up about it for the past 3 days but nothing is changing because i cant change time nor reverse it.

i made mistakes, but i cant turn back time. i can only hope to forgive myself. i feel filthy,unworthy of anything good.
i keep wondering what i could have done differently, i don't know, i shouldn't have gone out, i shouldn't have had that drink, i shouldn't have gone to bed, i shouldn't have.. lots of things i shouldn't have done, now i have done them and am stuck in this mind of mine which refuses to give up thinking and beating heart which refuses to stop beating so i could peacefully forget about it for eternity.
why cant i get hit by a truck and get amnesia? why cant i be one of those people who don't care? why cant i forgive myself?
why? why? why?

i feel anger, hatred and pity for myself all at one. am a mess of emotions and there's no hope of sorting through them and getting rid of some, i wish it was as easy as that.

i need saving from myself. am near depression, therapy is what i need, when does this day when i would get over this come? cant u come soon enough??

thank God am going to Nigeria, i need to clear my head, get away from all these forces pulling me in all directions. i need time to myself to heal, to become stronger, to forgive myself, to gain some new composure cos the old one is shattered,
i am going to be away for 2 weeks, my sister's wedding and am going on a journey of self discovery. i need to think, worry, cos this worry is mine.

10 comments:

Kemberly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kemberly said...

Sweetie, please don’t get all worked up and upset about what you’ve done/did. We all make mistakes and what makes us better people is realizing that we made a mistake and picking ourselves up from there and never make that mistake again.

There is no use crying over spilled milk now…shoulda, woulda, coulda is not going to cut it here…you did it and it’s a done deal. Forgive yourself and ask God for forgiveness and please forget about it and move on…

I hope you feel better.

Temite said...

Dearest please do forgive yourself and let it go darling! Go on that Journey and you will find a stronger and much more empathetic you. Because when we make huge mistakes we learn to forgive others quicker because we know just how easy it is to fall from grace. Goodluck darling!

Abujamaiden said...

I won't reiterate Kemberly and Temite.

I hope going to Nigeria clears your head and makes you feel better. Times heals (as said millions of times) and get in touch with your spiritual side and pray.

Happy holidays dearie!!

Beulah! said...

Terrible feeling it can be but holding on to it makes it even worse.

God knows we'd do things we'd regret that was why he opened up a door called forgiveness. He forgives us when we sin against him how much more should we forgive ourselves when we feel bad about our actions.

Just pick up forgiveness and move on with life. It is all part of living....

Buttercup said...

aww darling..please take it easy..ish happens, as kemberly said, we all make mistakes n we all eventually lear from those mistakes..just try n let go..u'll be just fine hon..

i hope u r good now n that u r enjoying naija?

Chari said...

sorry babe what is this thing ur beating urself over? u knw u have someone to talk to in moi...the plain truth is...you NEED to forgive urself...regardless of what it is...really...

adifferentnaijaspec said...

dearie....pls take it easy, try to clear ur head and forgive urself, we all make mistakes, the most important thing is learning from our mistakes. dnt go beating urself up over wats already happened, just learn from it. i really hope u feel better the next time i stop by,take carexxx

Rita said...

Happy New Year!!! Hope you are feeling better now.

Mista Jaycee said...

Forgive yourself, Learn from it and move on. Happy New Year!
Jaycee