This is it!
I feel it in the air, no more keeping it in, Letting it all hang out, wearing my heart on my sleeve, that kind of thing.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
THIS WORRY IS MINE.
I MESSED UP i did something, i have never done and shouldn't have done. i have been beating myself up about it for the past 3 days but nothing is changing because i cant change time nor reverse it.
i made mistakes, but i cant turn back time. i can only hope to forgive myself. i feel filthy,unworthy of anything good. i keep wondering what i could have done differently, i don't know, i shouldn't have gone out, i shouldn't have had that drink, i shouldn't have gone to bed, i shouldn't have.. lots of things i shouldn't have done, now i have done them and am stuck in this mind of mine which refuses to give up thinking and beating heart which refuses to stop beating so i could peacefully forget about it for eternity. why cant i get hit by a truck and get amnesia? why cant i be one of those people who don't care? why cant i forgive myself? why? why? why?
i feel anger, hatred and pity for myself all at one. am a mess of emotions and there's no hope of sorting through them and getting rid of some, i wish it was as easy as that.
i need saving from myself. am near depression, therapy is what i need, when does this day when i would get over this come? cant u come soon enough??
thank God am going to Nigeria, i need to clear my head, get away from all these forces pulling me in all directions. i need time to myself to heal, to become stronger, to forgive myself, to gain some new composure cos the old one is shattered, i am going to be away for 2 weeks, my sister's wedding and am going on a journey of self discovery. i need to think, worry, cos this worry is mine.