Sunday, December 21, 2008
THIS WORRY IS MINE.
I MESSED UP i did something, i have never done and shouldn't have done. i have been beating myself up about it for the past 3 days but nothing is changing because i cant change time nor reverse it.
i made mistakes, but i cant turn back time. i can only hope to forgive myself. i feel filthy,unworthy of anything good.
i keep wondering what i could have done differently, i don't know, i shouldn't have gone out, i shouldn't have had that drink, i shouldn't have gone to bed, i shouldn't have.. lots of things i shouldn't have done, now i have done them and am stuck in this mind of mine which refuses to give up thinking and beating heart which refuses to stop beating so i could peacefully forget about it for eternity.
why cant i get hit by a truck and get amnesia? why cant i be one of those people who don't care? why cant i forgive myself?
why? why? why?
i feel anger, hatred and pity for myself all at one. am a mess of emotions and there's no hope of sorting through them and getting rid of some, i wish it was as easy as that.
i need saving from myself. am near depression, therapy is what i need, when does this day when i would get over this come? cant u come soon enough??
thank God am going to Nigeria, i need to clear my head, get away from all these forces pulling me in all directions. i need time to myself to heal, to become stronger, to forgive myself, to gain some new composure cos the old one is shattered,
i am going to be away for 2 weeks, my sister's wedding and am going on a journey of self discovery. i need to think, worry, cos this worry is mine.