THIS WORRY IS MINE.

I MESSED UP i did something, i have never done and shouldn't have done. i have been beating myself up about it for the past 3 days but nothing is changing because i cant change time nor reverse it.

i made mistakes, but i cant turn back time. i can only hope to forgive myself. i feel filthy,unworthy of anything good.
i keep wondering what i could have done differently, i don't know, i shouldn't have gone out, i shouldn't have had that drink, i shouldn't have gone to bed, i shouldn't have.. lots of things i shouldn't have done, now i have done them and am stuck in this mind of mine which refuses to give up thinking and beating heart which refuses to stop beating so i could peacefully forget about it for eternity.
why cant i get hit by a truck and get amnesia? why cant i be one of those people who don't care? why cant i forgive myself?
why? why? why?

i feel anger, hatred and pity for myself all at one. am a mess of emotions and there's no hope of sorting through them and getting rid of some, i wish it was as easy as that.

i need saving from myself. am near depression, therapy is what i need, when does this day when i would get over this come? cant u come soon enough??

thank God am going to Nigeria, i need to clear my head, get away from all these forces pulling me in all directions. i need time to myself to heal, to become stronger, to forgive myself, to gain some new composure cos the old one is shattered,
i am going to be away for 2 weeks, my sister's wedding and am going on a journey of self discovery. i need to think, worry, cos this worry is mine.

why am i so confused?

hi lovely people! am confused!

or rather.. am greedy.
i have a dilemma.. not really, am just creating one for my self.
there are four guys in my life right now.
their names are... cute,cool,handsome and fun!

cute and fun are in my school and i hang out with them sometimes. i had a crush on cute sometime five weeks ago only to find out that he has liked me eversince we became friends.. cool info right? i thot so at first then, i stopped liking him(typical of me, i dont like people for long..disturbing!)

instead, i started crushing fun who is baggage impersonified. he also claims to have had a crush on me forever but was just too chicken to tell me(right!).

these are the ones within my radar, then there is cool and handsome.

i have known cool for a while, handsome i just met this summer and we flirted albeit mildly.
cool is just like his name, u never know what he's thinking, he's the guy who stopped talking to me when he found out i was dating my ex, and started talking to me after we broke up. i have had confirmation that he is into me, but i dont see it. he texts me(cos he;s not in the same place as i am) and all that, but he's irregular and i love being pampered, made to feel like am all in ur mind and all that(i know dont all girls?!-sigh-), but he doesnt give me that, so i stray away from him sometimes and then handsome!

oh handsome! met him this summer, he's cocky, arrogant and i like him! i usually dont like his type but there is something about him that's got me going... i added him on facebook and we start messaging eachother and we chat, everytime i chat with him, i come away with butterflies in my tummy and ... arent i too old for that?? i gues snot..hehe.. and i like the feeling.. but his facebook status says in a relationship but i have learned not to believe such things(all these facebook amebo am doing! GOD!) but i dont want to get into any body's way ooo... hmmm... well.. as it is right now, i don want one of them, i wan all of them, if i can have em,, arent i being just very greedy! -sigh- how do i stop?

the MISTRESS and HER.

People and things never cease to amaze me, the moment i think i am beyond shock, something comes along to shock me ,again, and again, and again.

last night, a friend was having a house party, we are all bored cos school is out for a week, so we hit her place, having fun, grooving.(lol)

there/s this guy who i have know for quite a while now, infact they are a group of friends nd we hang out a lot. there's this girl he's been chasing wanting to sleep with her(for what reason, i dont know). the chase has been on for maybe a semester now, i think he eventually did though and he has a girlfriend(they say they have broken up, but subsequent events made me think otherwise)

we are at this house party, and he's dancing with the girl(the one he was chasing, lets call her the mistress) and his girl comes along(let's call her,HER). HER asks the MISTRESS to move along cos she wanted to dance with her man, and she refuses, i think it degenerated into a shouting match/insulting match and HER walks away, leaving for home. HER's boyfriend(supposed) comes out and tries to talk to HER. she ignores him and keeps on walking, his friend calls her and she heeds and comes back, he starts telling her...God knows what,- i was quite a distance away,- albeit unknowingly to anyone, the MISTRESS had come out and she came up to HER and continued the insults, then lo! and behold! she strikes HER! palm open!. what a shock??! i turn around and HER is scremaing and shouting and crying and everyone is trying to hold HEr back from fighting and she says:
" ..........(insert boy's name) because of u, because of u, she slapped me, OH! God! i hate u! i hate u!"

he's trying to beg Her and the MISTRESS is all the way on the other side getting a piece of everyone's mind, his friends are angry at her, HER's friends' want to go and fight her, its chaos. i manage to calm most people down and HER and her boyfriend go home to sort out their mess, and the mistress is left in the cold.

now everyone is saying how much HER didn't deserve it, How the want to beat up the MISTRESS, how shit is fcuked up! everyone just seems hell bent on blaming the MISTRESS.

my prognosis
i blame the boy. HEr probably had no idea he was sleeping with someonelse,or she did and she turned a blind eye towards it. the mistress knew he was dating someonelse, but she wanted a piece of it and she took it.
we are greedy people, we like to eat our cake and have it(boyfy and mistress) but what makes us humane is if we consider how it would hurt other people, especially those we care about. obviously boyfy didnt think too long about how HEr would feel, and mistress didnt think bout it at all, cos sometimes, it plays out that a mistress could become the housewife. who knows? it might become so for her!
i always preach faithfulness, but people think am over righteous. this is the result of not being faithful. some people are proper players but then others arent but every young man wants to be one, it usually ends up in chaotic situations.
the girls that stay with them, i dont want to be too hard, but what makes em stay? i wont take love as an excuse, because i have never heard of anyone dying of a broken heart. the heart is elastic, it mends, no matter how far it is stretched, if a guy doesnt treat you the way u think u deserve to be treated, dump him. what doesnt kill you, can never kill you.(lol).

now, i wonder whats going to happen to the lot of them, its a sad story considering all the players are below 22!

1month don waka...sorry!

Wow! Was that a month or close to being one? Am soo sorry… my internet was on the blink... I noticed something... less people come to my blog and even less leave comments… does this mean am not interesting anymore?? Well I know... I have become too politically correct, from this moment on, am going back to what I know. Yeah... talking about what really happens in m life not blocking it out and writing about general affairs..!

Right, in the last 3 weeks or more, lots of things have been happening in my life… issues mehn!

I finally confronted my ex-lover(ha-ha) about his malicious( or my presupposed ) treatment of me, he denied saying he didn’t know he was acting different and that he was sorry if he was.. Well now he treats me better lets say... moving on… something amazing happened... ok I have never blogged about this guy before, he was in my life for about 3 years then disappeared without no trace, now he’s back. We never dated but it was obvious he liked me, we flirt on and off, then he disappears off my radar, my texts go unanswered, I call his phone, it never goes thru, he no longer comes on msn, he goes off face book and my emails go unanswered, total block!. I say oh well, I move after all I wasn’t into him that much plus not that I had a fight with him, he just disappeared, then he becomes friends with my recent ex(that’s before I begin to date him)and when he found out we were dating, he says he never thought we fit and well he hopes it all goes well for us, I find it weird that he never asks for me, then we break up and now this guy is back, calling me, texting me, emailing me, chatting like nothing ever happened and now he seriously wants to see me, do u think what am thinking? Lol.

My sister is getting married in December, am so excited I can’t wait for December; it’s going to be a Christmas wedding... oohhh sweet! But! Yes but, have u ever had a situation where people just wouldn’t let good things happen to you/ they always have to look for a way to ruin it? Well that’s what’s been happening to her for more than a month now... and these people are none other than family! Yes family! Not immediate but extended... its weird how you think family which is supposed to have ur back is the one that turns around to stab you in the back. Going into my family talk here is going to take one long arse post so am just going to summarize it and say, my father’s family doesn’t like my mum and hence they do whatever they want to ruin anything good coming her way. So its not about my sister but my mum, they go and tell her future mother in law things bout my mum and she not knowing better tries to get the marriage stopped, crazy stuff I tell. I became so embroiled I couldn’t concentrate on school, but now to the glory of God, everything has been resolved and the guy’s family now see these people for who they truly are, cos no matter how a person isn’t good, u don’t talk about em to outsiders cos they are ur family so if you do, what does it say about u?

am in my final year, I have decided that I have been a good girl too long! I mean 21 and never been kissed? Mighty weird! I think… especially in the world of today... well I have decided to take a foray into the wild side... nothing too much, just a fling and then I graduate... easy right? No strings attached, no emotions, just hang out, make out and generally have a good time… I have my eye on someone... and it’s not the guy that came back recently into my life, he’s too far away (London). Am going to be dedicating my next posts to my escapades and my sister’s upcoming nuptials... wish both of us luck... but her more...she needs it!