I should have known better!

i should have known better that i wasnt ready for this.
i should have known that this just wasnt me
i should have given myself time to know if this was truly what i wanted instead of allowing myself to be swept up in the moment.. now i regret.. i hate regretting.. but now i do... eventhough its a little.. i still do.

i let myself do what i have always been against... i dated a friend.
now i dont want to no more and i dont even know how to go about it..
after a month i started getting cold feet but i thought i could do it, so i ploughed on believing that it would get better with time and the feelings would dissipate and i would go back to liking him.. how was i to know that it was a crush and a crush it shall remain.. now that the crush is gone, what do i do?

if it was someone i was just acquaintances with, i could just tell him what i felt and it would be over, nothing do me.. but a friend? i keep considering his feelings and i dont know how to say anything and not sound selfish, unfeeling, wicked,hardhearted and all the cold words!

wahala part 2!

Am i shallow or what?

OK this is not any lyrically rhyming poem but its an ode quite alright, an appreciation of the work of God and a little of man(grooming).
so many fine people in this life.. was never overwhelmed by fineness or beauty(whichever u choose) until i got to this town(JD,JAND,LONDON ETC). SO many fine brothers and am not even talking about the blacks, the mulattos are by far leading the race, closely followed by other Africans like the Sudanese(their coloring think), the brown people(people of Asia, India, Pakistan, the mixed ones,) even lil kids are so fine i feel like stealing one of each sex! God!!

am so obsessing right now!
life is good! being in the midst of such finery is good for the soul, no? lol

does that make me shallow? like seriously, everyone wants a fine boy on their arms or to call their own but constantly seeking?? does that make a person shallow? my friend says its OK to want a fine boy but if after sometime of being together and u cant see past his outer beauty then, u r indeed shallow! hmm.. at the rate am going i think that's going to be my fate! cos i don't see me capitulating to anything less than what i think is beautiful.. but where i also begin to think am not that shallow is that i have never dated an over the top fine guy.. people actually say that my ex is fine, he's handsome blah blah but i don't see it, i see all that is wrong with him instead.... is it that am too critical or is it that my standards are too high?? hmm...

Also, is it true that th older u get, u tend to lose all them tendencies to be lusting after fine boys and actually look for more meaningful things in guys??.. anyone?? if its true then i think i shud be rest assured that mine is not a problem but something that's going to go away sometime soon...

Seriously, apart from trying to be philosophical about this whole issue, who no like betta thing??

hey, and whats the deal with all the mariage talk nowadays?? i think if one of my mates should mention marriage in the same breath as a conversation, am going to scream!!!!

howdy do!

its sunday!! yippeee.. am so excited the weekend is finally over! never been this happy before.. why this time? well when ure over the top bored, u begin to wish for time to just actually fly and for u to sleep less but wake up to a new day everytime you sleep for just 2 hrs!!

by tuesday i would finally be out of this place i so cant wait.. my own holidays would start.
would be going to the u.k but with all the rains, i don't know if am gonna have so much fun but its better than staying here where all my friends have gone to Nigeria or some other place for the summer holidays! sucks being alone.

just signed in to blogger and what do i see? blog reading list! u put up the blogs u are following.. really! blog reading list and the blog list on our blogs.. aren't they one and the same?? hmm this blogger sef, new new innovation everyday! i was about to start talking anyhow when i saw that my blog had a follower.. iyye!! hmm now am about to go pay back the favour and follow other people's blogs too!! lol

today is sunday,i think i have said that before, ok i have but am saying it for different reasons now.
today is sunday and though am not a Christian, its a day i do my own reflections, constant worshiping, listening to inspirational music and generally meditating and thanking God for another week.

so this sunday, i thank you God for bringing me to the end of my one week vigil.
by this time tomorrow, i would be putting my issh together and getting ready to go.. cant wait to see all my friends and my dad and sister... HAPPY SUNDAY PEOPLE!

IN THE SPIRIT OF RAMADAN

In this month, all vanities are shed and the cloak of salvation is donned

In this month, we repent of our sins and pray for eternal salvation

In this month, we try to steer clear of anything that soils the angelic halo hovering over our heads.(sin)

In this month it is believed that the doors of heaven are open

and that of hell is closed and hence blessings rain down on all and sundry.

This month is the equivalent of the christian lent which ends with easter,

the end of this month is when grains are measured and giving out to the needy in Allah's name and the celebration that follows is called EID EL-FITR.

In this month, we reinforce our faith and belief in Allah and his teachings.

In this month, we be our brother's keepers, feed the hungry, cloth the naked and give the needy.

in this month, we pray, fast and be holy in hopes that we are blessed by Allah and forgiven of all our trespasses.

In the spirit of ramadan, I say RAMADAN KAREEM.

I did find!

There is a kandi song that says, "if u look deep enough, you wud find..." i did indeed find my listeners here in blogsville.



After putting up that last post and comments started coming in, i knew everything was goin to be alright.

I am better now, though i still havent found a way of making my friends listen,:( but a person doesnt have to be your friend to listen and give you good advice or a shoulder to cry on, i found that shoulder right here and am grateful.



To all those who left a comment, a heartfelt thank you, and to all those who read but dont leave comments, i urge u to do so, u dont know, what u have to say might be what i need to gt out of the doldrums. *wink

ok back to reality.... bba3 Starts today and i have no way of seeing it.. suxx!! been going to the website everyfive mins but nothing.. abi do i have the wrong website?? anywhoo.. am thank ful today, this is not thanksgiving and neither is it close to being thanksgiving, but i dont think it has to be before we are thankful abi?

so i AM THANKFUL!!

who listens to the listener?

I am at this very rare point in my life where all i want is for someone to just listen to me while i talk and talk non stop. not necesarily making sense but just getting my thoughts out in the open.

I am a strong individual, independent too but sometimes i dont want to be independent nor strong anymore, i just want to be dependent on someone, have some one cater to my needs, be able to cry, feel pampered and cared for.



why is that no one is willing to do that. i happen to be a recipient for all my close friends' and not so close freinds' woes but no one but my head and heart is a recipient of mine.



not that no one wants to listen to me, but when i want to start talking bout mine, they start talking bout theirs and demand my opinion and i am forced to shelve my problems and be totally interested in theirs and give answers and advices and genrally make them happy again while i wallow in my own misery and it probably would never see the light of day or get some form of absolvement.

woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, feeling all these feelings i cant even begin to describe, dont want to be with my boyfriend no more, suddenly discovered that i cant seem to see him as more than a friend and all that i blogged about before was just intial gra gra, and i dont know what to do, cos the guy seems to be falling even more everyday.

i dont want to go to the u.k anymore, i just want to go to naija and never come back. i just want to go home.
i dont want to listen to anyone anymore cos i have my own problems also and i need someone to listen to me.
talking to my brother on msn but he's too busy to even reply me and am all choked up with tears cos am feeling mighty emotional today. and am not helping matters cos i keep listening to all these sad slow songs and am sllowly tearing up.
maybe i shud just have a good cry and i would probably wake up tomorrow feeling much better.

i am 21 but at this moment, all i can say is I WANT MY DADDY!

the kingdom of heaven.

I woke up in a good mood today. never expected to hear all the sad news i heard.
my friend came over only to start crying telling me she just lost one of their close childhood friends to complications during childbirth.
I was trying to console her only for another to come in and tell me another guy just died in a car accident on holiday in nigeria.

I am quite flabbergasted at this point. what is happening? what are the young doing dying? am not insinuating anything but i thot the natural order of things was that the old died and the young was there to bury them and not the other way around.
am so sad right now, i dont know bothe people involved very well but the fact that they are humans and my age group makes me mourn their deaths because it could happen to anyone.

this has made me so vulnerable, because i begin to think, what makes me so different, why wouldnt the same thing happen to me if it is going to, they didnt do anything so wrong, death just happened on them.

this has been my reality check for the day and i think it is enough for a month. i have had ijoba orun on repeat eversince trying to get closer to God and repent of my sins(whichever it is i have committed;)) and hope that when it comes, we shall be prepared(even though no one realli ever is).

may the souls of all those whom we have lost rest in peace.
amin.
r.i.p bernie mac, never knew u would leave this world so soon and so young.